Remembering and Commemorating Your Baby
There will be many special days each year which may be more difficult than
others for bereaved families. Birthdays, due dates, religious holidays, mother's
day and father's day to name a few can be filled with a tremendous sadness.
However in most cases the build up to them can often be worse than the actual
day itself. It can help to take some time out on these special days for yourself
and your family to remember your baby and pay tribute to him or her. Preparing
yourself in advance of these days and planning what you will do during the day
can help make them less of a trial and in turn create some happy, positive
memories in connection with your baby. Photographing whatever you do and making
a special album of the day is a great way of helping you and your loved ones
remember your special day.
It can also be of tremendous comfort to bereaved parents if friends and family
take the time to remember a baby in a special way.
Below are some examples of how you can remember a lost baby on those special days:
Baby Portrait
You could have a painting or pencil/charcoal sketch done of your baby from
photos. You could find your own local artist or, alternatively, national Sands
has connections with an artist called Sue Fernandes, who has done many portraits
for Sands members (price is about £50; contact national
Sands for details on 020
7436 7940). This doesn't have to be expensive and can provide comfort and an
enduring memory.
The painting doesn’t have to be of your baby:
‘I am in the process of purchasing a very large
canvas done in oils, which is a picture of a beautiful lilac dress hung up on a
coat hanger with a tiny ladybird on the hangar. As the dress is empty this is
quite poignant. The picture is very large and cost around £250 but if anyone can
afford one it is lovely.’
http://www.pictureproud.co.uk create personalized memory boxes with a choice
of designs, or even your baby’s photograph and an option to have your baby’s
name on the front of the box and a message inside the box.
They will donate 10% from each sale to
Buying a present for your baby
Many parents like to buy presents for their babies especially on their birthday
or at Christmas.
‘My mother in law bought us a beautiful
Swarovski crystal star which we hang on the
Christmas tree each year.
Its
always the last decoration we hang up and it has pride of place on the tree –
putting Ben’s star on the tree has become quite a Christmas ritual and it’s a
lovely way to remember him at a time when we really miss him.'
http://www.swarovski.com
– purchase through
www.easyfundraising.org.uk/leedssands and 4% of the sale price will be
donated to Leeds SANDS
Several companies will produce a star Christmas decoration with your baby’s
photograph contained inside.
www.outofthehat.co.uk/personalisedgifts/Personalised_Photo_Bauble
Lighting a Candle
You could make a special candle for your baby.
Jewellery
You could buy a locket and put pictures of your baby in it, or a charm bracelet
with charms that are significant to you. There are websites which specialise in
baby loss jewellery.
http://www.alexandrasangelgifts.co.uk
–as well as jewellery, this website also sells a range of baby loss mementoes
such as sculptures, memory boxes, cards and beautiful balloons/lanterns to
release on those special occasions.
Another
http://www.labelledame.com
and
http://www.myforeverchild.com are American websites which specialize
in baby loss jewellery and mementoes and should be able to ship items to the
‘I have Cianán in my locket, and also have an Italian charm bracelet, where you
can add links.’
Creating a Memorial Website
You could set up a page on a memorial website such as Gone Too Soon. This
gives you the chance to publish photos and your story, and allows friends and
family to add messages of comfort and support.
Naming a Star
There are many websites through which you can name a star.
Make and decorate a paper plane and fly it from somewhere really high.
Write a letter to your baby, put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea.
Many plants/flowers have special meanings. Choose something suitable to our
climate. Bear in mind that it may be very upsetting if the plant/tree dies or is
damaged.
‘I have a rose bush which my mother in law and late father in law bought us and
the rose’s name is Grace; it flowers every June which is around her birthday.’
‘The poem ‘Snowdrop’ was read at our son’s funeral and it has become his flower.
We have planted several clumps of snowdrops in the garden to make sure
that at least some bloom every year.’
Sponsor something in Your Baby’s Name
Many charities operate schemes where you can sponsor a child or an aid project.
www.bothar.org
www.oxfam.org.uk
Attending Memorial
Some extra special mementoes can be professionally framed and by hanging them on
the wall you can help to affirm to others that your baby is a very important
part of your lives.
‘I recently bought a framed personalised textile art picture with Cianán's name, it is absolutely lovely, I am so pleased with it.
The Leeds Picture Framer will frame any mementoes relating to your baby and will
donate 15% of the sale price to Leeds SANDS if you mention Leeds SANDS
when ordering (
http://stores.shop.ebay.co.uk/Special-Occasions-by-Lorna__W0QQ_armrsZ1QQ_fsubZ14727986
is an ebay shop that sells keepsake cards for bereavement which could be framed
(or even laminated).
Bake a Birthday Cake/Make a Birthday Card on your Baby’s birthday
You can let the wind blow out the candle(s).
Lighting a Virtual Candle
On the website
http://www.gratefulness.org you can light a candle to remember your baby and
add a message.
‘The great thing about this website is the option to invite friends and family
to view your candle and light another in your baby’s memory.
I found this enormously helpful on my son’s first birthday as I wanted
friends and family to acknowledge the day and it was an easy way of nudging them
to do just that.
Often people don’t
understand that you want the day to be recognised and they may end up doing
nothing out of fear of causing upset.’
Taking Special Items To Your Baby’s Grave
‘On Halloween we light a candle and leave it on her headstone we also sometimes
take a pumpkin. At Christmas we take a mini Christmas tree and I also bought a
reindeer made from a wooden log which cost £10, we bought this from the green
grocers on Street Lane opposite The Flying Pizza.’
Devoting Part Of Your Garden To Your Baby’s Memory
‘I am ALWAYS on the lookout for things for Cianán. I think it's a way of making
sure he isn't left out. I never get to buy him "proper" presents, so constantly
refreshing the garden pots with plants/flowers each season, new windmills etc
and an occasional change of photo positioning or new thing like the eBay print,
is my way of keeping in touch with Cianán I guess.’
Plants can be refreshed with the changing seasons.
Garden ornaments can be easily be purchased from places like Asda or
Poundstretcher.
Organising A Fundraising Event For Charity Or Make A Donation
Taking the powerful energy contained within your grief and channeling it towards
a good cause can be an incredibly positive thing to do.
‘One of the Leeds Sands members raised £18,000 through fundraising
for a special counselling/bereavement room as they had received their
post mortem results in the Early Pregnancy Unit at St James which was obviously
very distressing.’
Balloon Release
Write a poem
‘When we were asked to provide an outfit for Grace I bought a pale pink baby
grow and knotted hat from Gap with little ladybirds on. I now collect ladybirds.
They are significant to me and whenever I attend a wedding or a happy occasion
whereby I sometimes think of her and how she should be there with us a ladybird
sometimes lands on me. (You may think I am silly but this really does happen and
I take comfort in this) I bought a charm bracelet from Links of
‘The night before my son’s funeral our friends made some fire sculptures which
we strung up from a line in the garden and set alight.
There was a rabbit, a small circle held within a larger circle and a
swirly abstract sculpture; they all looked beautiful.’
